Working and Mental Illness

 Not too long ago, I began working with a vocational case manager to use the Social Security Administration's Ticket to Work program to try and go back to work. I have been without a job and on disability since 2016. I surprisingly found a job at a call center fairly easily. I was excited, and nervous to re-enter the workforce.

My first day on the job wasn't too bad, I was in a training class with 5 other people. It was hard to be out of my comfort zone of home for so long, but I made it through. The next day wasn't as easy. I felt very nervous and began to feel suspicious of my co-workers and managers. For example, during the training class, two of the trainers looked at their computer and began whispering to each other and soon walked out of the room. I was certain that they were speaking to each other about me and planning on firing me. I was able to make it through yet again, however and went home and cried. 

As the days went on, my anxiety and paranoia grew. I could feel eyes on me at all times and not just the usual ones you get from your boss. At one point, I was working at my desk and someone was standing behind me watching over my shoulder at what I was doing. This is normally what happens at work, you are supervised, especially when new. But for me, the feeling of someone behind me was very triggering as this is a hallucination I have from time to time, where a figure stands behind me and I can feel their presence even though no one is really there. The stress was causing my mental health to decline slowly but surely and it was causing me to have problems at home as well. 

I became more and more introverted at work, and on the day we were supposed to start on the phones, I had a massive panic attack. I was escorted to the break room by a fellow worker where one of the trainers met me. She was kind. I explained as best I could that I lived with a mental illness and was having a panic attack. She asked me what I needed and I said I just needed to be alone for a bit to breathe. My boss followed soon after she left and told me that I had no reason to have a panic attack. I explained to him just as I did to her that I live with a mental illness and that I was having a hard time. He did not seem to care much to hear this explanation. He told me to compose myself and go back to my desk when I was ready. I went to the bathroom and washed my face and returned to my desk to finish out the day. 

It became clear that this job was not for me. I could not keep up with the information I had learned in training while speaking to people on the phone while also managing symptoms of my mental illness. I resigned from the job. Soon after I found a retail job. I thought that working with the public in person would be a bit easier. I forgot just how difficult retail is.

It was a busy store and I struggled to keep up with customers at the register as well as maintain my pool of information that I needed to do my job as well as keep up with the side tasks I had to do. Once again I began having the feeling of not just my co-workers, but customers as well talking about me. I could feel them in my head saying awful things. I felt that everyone wanted me gone. I also began experiencing tactile hallucinations, the feeling of bugs crawling under my skin. 

When I saw my doctor recently for a med check up as I had just started a new medication, she said she could tell I was really struggling. I told her about how I was feeling at work and about the symptoms I was having. On top of everything, I was feeling really depressed. She told me that stress is a big factor in creating symptoms and problems in schizoaffective disorder, and that was most likely what was contributing to my issues. 

Today I made the difficult decision to leave my short lived retail job. My boss was very understanding and kind when I told her and she said for me to take care of myself. I feel a mix of relief and sadness over this. On one hand, now I will be able to get back to a more stable place, on the other hand, I really wanted working a job outside the home to work out for me. But at the end of the day I tried and that is what really matters.